25

Aug

Beginnings and Endings

Monday was my last first day of school. I’ve been in school a total of 21 years, including Kindergarten and this year. Wow, 21 years.

If anyone had come up to me as an insecure 7th grader–braces, crazy afro hair, zits, awkward written all over me–and said:

  • Laurel, you are one day going to have the focus of an arrow hitting the target
  • You will be so certain in God’s voice calling you to Christian ministry that it will become you’re life’s mission
  • You are going to meet all kinds of people–rich, poor, educated in school, learned from the streets, homed, homeless, black, white, brown, yellow, happy, angry, joyful, bitter, ignorant, open, small town, big city–and they will each teach you something very important
  • You are going to be given responsibility to meet real needs, and some of these needs are life or death
  • You are going to go to grad school for four years

…I would be shocked.

But that is what it has come down to, lots of opportunities, lots of learning moments, and even a few “Come to Jesus” meetings. And now I am in my last year of equipping from a formal education perspective, and I have so many emotions. I am the same person, but I have certainly been changed. I am excited about life, seeing Mountains Beyond Mountains. There is hope in hurt, and we experience that each day as ministerial and social work students. I have formed lasting bonds with professors, homeless people, supervisors (so many supervisors…), fellow classmates, coworkers, and friends. Each day is a new challenge and brings a new growing pain in muscles in my heart and mind that I didn’t even know I had.

The closer I am to these degrees–pieces of paper–the less I want to talk about it.

It’s incredible how people treat you differently when they find out you’re in grad school. It’s sickening, really. I’m just me, and I sometimes have a messy car and sometimes show up late to something important, just like many of you. I am particular about my baked goods and get cravings for vegetables and will do anything to bring about justice and show some mercy, too. But God called me to graduate school. Even though I have fought Him for some of this time, have been in mourning some of this time, and have thrown my hands up in the air in confusion (“Why here, God? Why now?), I have learned some tough lessons and met some even tougher situations that have given me the strength and drive to press on.

As I close this non-food related blog (Sorry, my lunch is consisting of mini blueberry muffins, corn & black beans, and carrot salad…weird, I know.), I’ll leave you with something beautiful. This song helped me through my senior year of college (mostly the chorus) and continues to be a source of centering and encouragement today as I go honestly, humbly, to God.

Humble Me
(Norah Jones)

Went out on a limb
Gone too far
Broken down at the side of the road
Stranded at the outskirts and sun’s creepin’ up
Baby’s in the backseat
Still fast asleep
Dreamin’ of better days
I don’t want to call you but you’re all i have to turn to

What do you say
When it’s all gone away?
Baby i didn’t mean to hurt you
Truth spoke in whispers will tear you apart
No matter how hard you resist it
It never rains when you want it to

You humble me Lord
Humble me Lord
I’m on my knees empty
You humble me Lord
You humble me Lord
Please, please, please forgive me

Baby Teresa got your eyes
I see you all the time
When she asks about her daddy
I never know what to say

Heard you kicked the bottle
And helped to build the church
You carry an honest wage
Is it true you have someone keeping you company?

What do you say
When its all gone away?
Baby i didn’t meant to hurt you
Truth spoke in whispers will tear you apart
No matter how hard you resist it
It never rains when you want it to

You humble me Lord
Humble me Lord
I’m on me knees empty
You humble me Lord
You humble me Lord
Please, please, please forgive me

~Laurel~

15 years ago Short URL 4 Comments

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29

Apr

Lessons

I learned a really big lesson on my way to class this morning; some might call it a God moment. My tired eyes concentrated on the highway as my mind raced until -bam!- it landed on one simple phrase:

You have taken all of me, just as I am,
And are moving me to be closer to who You are.

It’s a simple phrase, really, and it isn’t even all that profound. But I found such richness in that phrase. God has taken a person who loves other people, but can be really selfish at times, and He is using that person to do things that are bringing that person closer to being like Him. I realize that this has little to do with food, but is heavy on the memoir side. Here a few reasons why I am thankful today:

I’ve been given the opportunity to get 2 master’s degrees…an education that people around the world only dream of
2 deans are taking a chance on me to help them write their next book, and it’s on a topic that they have lived and struggled through all of their professional lives
My husband has been an amazing rock in an incredibly treacherous part of my life
Key friends and family members have really encouraged me, even when I’m boring them with too much info about school
While I am stressed about money, school, life in general, forgotten people, policies & systems that aren’t working, and my role in how I’m going to help make some sort of difference, FOOD and FAMILY have been amazing outlets in this fine balance of keeping it all together.
On any given day, I am wrestling through some problem that is bigger than me, but by some miracle, I usually sleep very soundly at night with little tossing and turning.
By the grace of God, I have just enough confidence to listen to people, hear what they’re saying, look around and learn from others, and feel that I can do this–I can play a part in making life better for some people.

I don’t talk about this a lot, and I certainly have never written the following out for all of the world to see online, but here’s what I’ve really learned since moving to Waco:

Degrees don’t matter. (the non-degreed are some of the wisest…they lived it) (if you aren’t constantly asking questions inside yourself about the world as we have it today) (if you don’t have tools for the taking)

Honesty and being completely real with where we are is crucial if we are to move forward.

Despite being overjoyed/triumphant when I FINALLY got a job at a grocery store deli, making $7.50 an hour (with a college degree and 1/2 a masters…how humbling), I WILL NEVER KNOW being poor like my neighbors and others around here. There’s not an amount of role-playing or thinking or discussion or books in the world that can give me that education.

Life is hard, and God continues to be good.

I’m not sure exactly what I’ve gotten myself into, but I guarantee it’s sticky and too late to back out now.

People need listening ears, love, and God’s understanding, even if you never use the word “God.”

Working 50 hours a week is nothing. Adding 15 hrs of grad school on top is tricky. But doable.

There’s nothing like laughing. Nothing.

SORRY this has been a little heavy…I tend to go there sometimes. But it’s not too mushy, I hope. I’ve learned a lot in the last 2 years. My first final is next Friday (3 of them that day!), and I’m nervous and weary, but this morning’s lesson from God has given me renewed energy and purpose for why I’m combating these 4 years here. I am so thankful…even when there’s a scholarship dinner tonight, I’m hosting a table, and have 3 papers to write afterward. I’m still thankful. I hope you find new ways to be thankful in your own life today. May God bless you in surprising ways.

(Sam is sleeping on the crook in my laptop…his little black hairs will be a nice souvenir on my little white computer.)

~Laurel~

16 years ago Short URL

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